Submitted to McSweeney's Internet Tendency on Mai 17, 2024 - Rejected
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Customer feedback on the new fully immersive Dreamlike™ feature for all major streaming services:
I was watching The Jackal with Bruce Willis and he was about to strike. I stopped the film to go to the toilet, but I couldn't shake the tension. I could hear every creak and squeak in my house, as if the Jackal was lurking around the corner. I rushed back to the couch and pressed play, but the film didn't pick up where I left off. Instead, it jumped to a completely different scene where Bruce Willis, Jack Black and Bill Cosby were having a picnic in a sunny park. I was confused and frustrated. What was happening? Why were they eating sandwiches? Bill Cosby wasn't even in the film before I hit pause. I tried to rewind the film, but it didn't work. I was stuck with this incongruous and unsatisfying ending.
I experienced a drastic emotional mismatch while watching Parasite. It started out as a kind of comedy, but after a while it felt more like a horror film. This feature does not seem to work properly.
When I tried to pause the Hulk Hogan classic Santa With Muscles, it didn't pause immediately. It took almost a full MINUTE! for the screen to freeze. And it was not the first time this had happened. Sometimes it doesn't work at all and the film continues to play. There have also been occasions where the film has not resumed when I have pressed play again after a pause. I had to use the snooze function to get it to continue, but that only worked for 9 minutes and then it stopped again!
I tried to watch Inland Empire with Dreamlike™, but it was very confusing. I didn't get it. The names, the faces, the roles of the characters, the context, the purpose and the goal of the actions were not clear at all. Will try again without the feature.
The Matrix was on the other day, but I had to pause it because my daughter had a question. When I pressed play again, it was no longer The Matrix, but Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. There was no way for me to go back to the original film. My daughter blamed me, took the remote, pressed pause again and when she tried to resume the film, our living room disappeared and we were in Tokyo fighting Hedorah the Smog Monster. Five stars!
Someone else has already mentioned it here, the feature makes shitty films better. Bridge of Spies had a lot more bridges, and Tom Hanks was actually the captain of the ship the whole time in Captain Phillips.
I literally fell asleep while watching a film with Dreamlike™ and it started showing ads for adult entertainment and cat food in my dreams. When I woke up to the disturbing nature of my dream ads, the actual film playing in the background included scenes from my childhood, but Bill Cosby was also there and we were having a picnic.
I used this while watching a film called Memento, but I don't think it worked. The film felt like a fairly straightforward murder mystery.
We were in the middle of Ghost Dad with Bill Cosby when suddenly all the characters fell from very high buildings and screamed, but only for a second. Then the story continued normally. That happened a lot in that film. I also didn't remember that there were so many car chases and that the characters were so completely unprepared for all the tests they had to pass in the film. Still enjoyed it! Made me crave sandwiches a lot
If I turn it on and fall asleep while watching, do I ever wake up again or will I be stuck in Dreamlike™ limbo
Who's the old guy with the sandwiches?