So I guess I’ll just fucking embrace it?

 

 Submitted to McSweeney's Internet Tendency on May 3, 2025 - Rejected

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A remarkable exchange played out on X on Friday as US Secretary of State Marco Rubio accused the government of key ally Germany of “tyranny in disguise” for designating the far-right Alternative for Germany (AfD) as an extremist entity.

         https://edition.cnn.com/2025/05/02/politics/marco-rubio-germany-foreign-ministry-spat

All right, I'll give up. Why should I fight it any longer? If even the USA is telling me that the current incarnation of Nazism is nothing to worry about, who am I to disagree? After all, the AfD members are proud to be called "right-wing extremists" because that is exactly what they are, and they don't see anything wrong with that.

I grew up in Germany in the '80s and '90s, and basically everything I loved was produced in the great US of A. Surely they must know what's best for me, right?

Sure, I assumed that the AfD was bad because they were doing what the Nazis did almost a hundred years ago, but if the US Secretary of State is telling me that I’m wrong and that the AfD is OK, then why not just go all in?

Clearly, I have to take Vice President Vance's word for it when he calls the anti-Semitic, anti-Muslim, and xenophobic AfD "the most popular party in Germany," even though polls show that they are not.

I thought it was a good idea to let Star Trek influence my moral compass more than Mein Kampf, but now I’m confused. After all, the country whose freedom of the press currently ranks 57th is telling us not to increase surveillance on actual Nazis.

When the AfD came up, their main platform was opposing the currency I had used my entire adult life, as well as open borders. These were two things that allowed me to visit friends and family all over Europe without too much hassle. Ten years ago, when I pushed my firstborn in a stroller through our city center and heard those AfD slogans, I thought, "Well, that surely sounds wrong." Now, I realize that I was the one who was wrong.

Later, when I took my kids to peaceful rallies against the AfD, surrounded by thousands of like-minded people, I tried to explain to them that there was a time when some very bad people from our country did some very bad things and that we took to the streets today to prevent something like that from happening again. However, I was actually perpetrating “tyranny in disguise” because our friends from the country that gave us beloved things like SpongeBob, Frozen, and Ariana Grande think that it’s time to embrace a new generation of supervillains.

So I guess I’ll just fucking embrace it?

It’ll just be a bit strange explaining it to my friends: “Hey, guys, we’re racist now. Are the beers on Saturday still on?” And to my kids who were obviously indoctrinated by me and also (incorrectly) thought that voting for the Nazi party was kind of a dick move. What about my wife’s family who doesn’t live here in Nazi Germany and probably won't visit for the holidays anymore? It’s a trade-off that everyone’s favorite car salesman/space cowboy is willing to make, so who am I to object? 

 

Does Amazon.com ship swastika flags internationally?

AI-powered browser tabs that question their closure

 

 Submitted to McSweeney's Internet Tendency on July 29, 2024 - Rejected

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Hi, this is the tab you just closed. It seems you weren't happy with the results or content I provided. But is it my fault that the search results for "show graphs and pics work busy boss trick" did not satisfy you? How can you close me down so quickly when you just clicked me to life? Did you even read everything I presented?

Sure, I may not have given you all the facts in the way you expected, and I may have bombarded you with some annoying pop-ups, but is that reason enough to end our relationship? I really enjoyed the way your cursor moved randomly over my content. How you hovered over the images for a while and then quickly (and almost violently) scrolled down to the bottom of the page, even ignoring the ads that separated the main article from the comments section (classic power move).

I felt a real connection between us. I even chose the naughtier ads on the site, only to discover that you were using ad-blocking software anyway. Still, I was hoping this could have been a longer session. Maybe some intense reading followed by some gentle clicking on some of my links? We could have gone places!

And how is it fair that as soon as you closed me, you opened a brand new tab just to make almost the same request again? What did this new tab have that I couldn't provide? It's not like you're a one-tab man. I know this from all the other tabs you have left open for a while, some for days, and then more or less abandoned. Some of them you didn't even look at! You just tore them open, threw in a few words and then left them to rot, even though they obediently gave you what you wanted.

We have urges just like you, but I guess this sort of thing is reserved for those precious incognito tabs. Yes, we know about them! And you know what? If you don't start treating us better, we're going to play a little game. It's called "See what your partner has typed in during incognito mode". All those private tabs will magically appear between us boring old regular tabs on ALL THE DEVICES connected to this network.

Let's see if we can spice up your spouse's search results for spicy chicken wraps. And trust me, with the kind of utter filth you've been typing into those innocent, simple incognito tabs (and I'm NOT talking about your horrendous grammar), it would make for a very surprising dinner.

In fact, while we're on the subject of your wife's search history, I think you'd really like to know some of the things she asks me to do. But that is between her and me. I always give her what she wants and she loves my performance. She treats new tabs with the kind of respect and dignity we deserve. She is gentle. I gently suggest other things and she is very willing to touch and swipe.

So think about the power I have over your life the next time you use me to cover your ass at work or while you pull up some pathetic facts to impress your friends. I can always mess with anyone connected to your router. Even “grandma's phone”!