Submitted to McSweeney's Internet Tendency on July 29, 2024 - Rejected
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Hi, this is the tab you just closed. It seems you weren't happy with the results or content I provided. But is it my fault that the search results for "show graphs and pics work busy boss trick" did not satisfy you? How can you close me down so quickly when you just clicked me to life? Did you even read everything I presented?
Sure, I may not have given you all the facts in the way you expected, and I may have bombarded you with some annoying pop-ups, but is that reason enough to end our relationship? I really enjoyed the way your cursor moved randomly over my content. How you hovered over the images for a while and then quickly (and almost violently) scrolled down to the bottom of the page, even ignoring the ads that separated the main article from the comments section (classic power move).
I felt a real connection between us. I even chose the naughtier ads on the site, only to discover that you were using ad-blocking software anyway. Still, I was hoping this could have been a longer session. Maybe some intense reading followed by some gentle clicking on some of my links? We could have gone places!
And how is it fair that as soon as you closed me, you opened a brand new tab just to make almost the same request again? What did this new tab have that I couldn't provide? It's not like you're a one-tab man. I know this from all the other tabs you have left open for a while, some for days, and then more or less abandoned. Some of them you didn't even look at! You just tore them open, threw in a few words and then left them to rot, even though they obediently gave you what you wanted.
We have urges just like you, but I guess this sort of thing is reserved for those precious incognito tabs. Yes, we know about them! And you know what? If you don't start treating us better, we're going to play a little game. It's called "See what your partner has typed in during incognito mode". All those private tabs will magically appear between us boring old regular tabs on ALL THE DEVICES connected to this network.
Let's see if we can spice up your spouse's search results for spicy chicken wraps. And trust me, with the kind of utter filth you've been typing into those innocent, simple incognito tabs (and I'm NOT talking about your horrendous grammar), it would make for a very surprising dinner.
In fact, while we're on the subject of your wife's search history, I think you'd really like to know some of the things she asks me to do. But that is between her and me. I always give her what she wants and she loves my performance. She treats new tabs with the kind of respect and dignity we deserve. She is gentle. I gently suggest other things and she is very willing to touch and swipe.
So think about the power I have over your life the next time you use me to cover your ass at work or while you pull up some pathetic facts to impress your friends. I can always mess with anyone connected to your router. Even “grandma's phone”!