Submitted to McSweeney's Internet Tendency on October 22, 2024 - Rejected
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Welcome to RanCorp! Here is what you need to do to get started.
We're thrilled to welcome you aboard the RanCorp Choo-Choo! Let's get started with your onboarding.
First, please visit our Confluence. You'll find everything you need to get started. Except for the stuff on Sharepoint. It's probably best to check both every time you're looking for something, since no one really knows what's where and how the pages are named. Some things are on both pages, but named differently. Other things are not on either platform. We love gamification!
You should also check out the internal wiki, where most of the really important stuff is still documented from before we moved to the more modern platforms. It's a bit clumsy to navigate, there's no search bar and it only runs in Internet Explorer 7, but it's where you'll find the really important stuff.
As a developer, you may want to check the GitLab repos or the comments in the code. Some say the comments are all you need, but we tend to disagree. Ange from Documentation and UX has spent a lot of time creating elaborate folder structures containing all the relevant bits of knowledge on several network drives, so we'd like you to actually take a look at the folders. The network drives range from \\rancorp.net\derp\ (R:) to (U:), but you should never go to (V:) unless you're an admin or Chad from Catering. Actually, according to the developers, you can find most of what you need on Stack Overflow, but that's an external source and we feel that it can't be trusted and that we should create everything we need in-house.
And of course you should really check out our homebrew knowledge management solution Wisdom Swamp, which may not be as user-friendly as Confluence, but it's the solution we actually sell to customers to help them look up stuff about our software, so it's a great place to get started. When you need to find something in the Wisdom Swamp, just browse your bookmarks of important pages (actually called "bogs"), which should have been set up for you beforehand and customized to your needs according to our onboarding algorithm. (Did you know that we use a hybrid approach of applying AI and Chad from Catering to customize your bogs?)
Also, be sure to check out your MS Teams team called New Team for everything you need to know. Don't confuse it with the News team in Teams or even the Teams team in Teams, they're different things and we'll introduce you to them later. You've already been added to every MS Teams team ever created in the history of the company, so you might want to sort through them and pin some of them to the top, because it can get a little swamped there, and we don't want you confusing Teams with the Wisdom Swamp.
You should also follow our internal newsletter called the RanCorp Rag and our customer-facing blog called InLinked (don't ask) for news about your job and other important things like what's for lunch in the cafeteria. (Don't ask Chad about that. He is swamped with setting up (V:) as a backup copy of our entire codebase before we have to do the annual Audit Switcharoo Scheme).
For general introductory videos, you might want to check out the stuff on MS Stream, but be sure to also create an account on our customer-facing learning platform, RanCorp Community College (paywall), which gives you access to great training materials and tutorials, and is really the only place to find important information about anything. Unfortunately, the Community College is notoriously vague and sometimes downright wrong because we can't put our consultants out of business by giving customers real answers. If you get lost on the platform, think of it as an escape room. Those are fun, right?